picking myself up off the bathroom floor....

I feel like I have hit rock bottom and not sure how to pick myself up. The saying when it rains it pours is really the truth in my situation right now. Know that feeling when your heart is breaking and you can actually feel it hurt?? That's exactly what happened to me. In my 25 years of living, I have never felt a heartbreak or a pain anywhere close to what I am feeling now. I pray I never have to feel it again.

Remember a few post ago when I blogged about my best friend and her nonsupporting ways? Well lets just say our friendship came to crashing end. But first let me tell you about "the boy", so the story of my ending friendship can make sense. As I have written in another post somewhere I am a manager at a hotel. I love my job. I get to meet so many people from all different walks of life, and I am very much a people person. I've been told numerous times I could talk to a wall if it would talk back to me. Well we had a group of guys who where in my area doing some work. They had been staying with us since August and they stayed 20 days out of the month and were only home 10. You kind of can't help but to get to know someone when they are practically living where you work.

Know that feeling when you meet someone you just can't help but to be attracted to them? Something and everything about them just makes you want to know them? That's how I felt about "the boy". Seriously one look at him and I knew that I had to get to know him. I am the biggest chicken in the world though. I will admire you from a far and never ever let on that I find you attractive in anyway. Other than the fact that when you do finally talk to me I become very awkward. Finally after a couple months of him being here we finally struck up a friendship and talked/hung out everyday that he was here. Literally we texted from the time he woke up to the time I fell asleep, and when he would be done with work for the day I would come back to work just to hang out with him. It was a beautiful friendship. We agreed to keep things casual, after all he wasn't going to be here forever (a year and half) but not forever. I was okay with that. I was totally okay with hanging out and getting to see him when he was here, I didn't want anything serious anyway.

Things with "the boy" started to get a little maybe out of hand? I guess you could say. We started to go out on dates and at that point I think things were maybe getting a little too serious. We started to fight like a couple and he would get jealous if he thought I was talking to other guys. I felt like I was in a relationship. This past Thursday one of my really good friends has been having problems with her fiance, so we decided we just needed a girls night. We went out for a really nice dinner and then went to the local bar where she worked. It was the bosses birthday so we figured it would be a good time. A good time indeed it was. We got there about 8 and were pretty drunk by 9. At this point I am already catching all kinds of crap from "the boy" because I didn't make enough time for him the day before. Well things started to get heated via text. He began to get very mad at me telling me to go home with one of the guys from the bar and all other sorts of ugly. I am mind boggled and have NO idea where any of this is coming from. He keeps accusing me of lying to him and all other things. I am texting my friend who works at the hotel with me and who I wrote about in the previous post about friendship. I am telling her everything that is going on. She knows I am upset and she is trying to talk me through it.

Fast forward 4 hours later and I am finally leaving the bar. I call my friend upset and she tells me this long story about what "the boy" was doing and saying. Well when I drink I grow a massive pair of balls. I decide to call him to find out why is going on and why he is flipping out on me when all of this is supposed to be "casual". After a hour long conversation we finally realized that the girl who is supposed to be my "sister" best friend has been feeding him numerous amounts of lies about me, causing him to get mad and flip out on me for no reason at all. He ended up forwarding me text messages that she had sent him and trust me they are ugly. Things that you would expect to hear from someone who really hates you, not someone who is supposed to be like a sister to you. I was extremely hurt.

I never talk to her after the conversation I have with him. I go to bed and wake up the next morning to come to work. I receive a phone call her from her to find out if I am okay and wonder how I am feeling. I go on to lie to her to tell her that me and "the boy" had a huge fight last night and we are no longer speaking to each other. I proceed to tell her I have no idea what happened the night before or why he was so mad at me. She agrees says he was acting stupid and I was better off without him, that I needed to just let it go. I lie tell her I have to go and don't speak to her again. "The boy" later texted her and confronted her about it. Asked her why she did it, why she wanted to hurt me and him so bad. No explanation was given. I still don't have a reason why she did it. We are no longer speaking and I at this moment in time could care less if I ever speak to her again.

Fast forward a few hours later on that Friday. "The boy" gets a call from his office and he is fired for some stupid decision he has made. The way I was able to say goodbye to him was in a text message. After receiving that text message I felt like my whole world had crashed down. I honestly did not realize how much I cared for him and how many feelings I honestly did have. I am left dealing with all of this and I haven't found a way to deal. I spent the weekend in bed. I didn't eat all I did was sleep and cry. Never have I had such strong feelings for someone. I felt so comfortable with him. Things just came so natural and so easy and in a matter of seconds its all gone. There is still a chance he might get his job back and is able to come back. I am holding on to the little hope I have been given. I received a text message yesterday where he promised he was coming back to me. I can only hope that is true.

On my weight loss, I haven't really lost anything. I haven't gained either but I stopped focusing on my weight loss when all of this happened. I worked out again for the first time last night. I haven't given up and I still am determined to reach my goal. I hit a little speed bump and had to work my way through it but I am not giving up.

I really need prayers that things are going to work out the way they are meant too. If he isn't meant to come back to me then I need prayers that I will find the strength to get through this. I really need the sun to come out tomorrow. I am tired of feeling bad.....

Disappointment

I have failed at so much this week. I fell into some kind of blah mood with a few things going on in my life. I am proud to say I didn't eat my way through these feelings but I am not so proud to say that I didn't run or exercise my way through these feelings. I have maintained my diet. Eating good and healthy but I just haven't exercised. As a result I only lost about a pound and a half this week. Just goes to show that without exercising it will take me forever to get this weight off. I am at 29 pounds lost. I was really hoping to get to 30 pounds lost by the end of the weekend and so I am really disappointed in myself that I didn't. I have told myself that this is a new week and I will start fresh again this weekend and go twice as hard when it comes to my exercises. I can't let my sad and crummy moods get me down.

Now this is probably going to be a TMI moment but I have to know. For all you girls that are dieting and exercising as well, have you noticed a change in your bathroom schedule? I actually had to result to going to the store and getting me some "old lady juice" as my friend called it so that I could go. Ever since I have started this diet I notice that I don't use the restroom as much as I used too and I get all bloated. Is this happening to anyone else? Could it be just because its a change in my diet? I am getting fiber because I have a fiber one bar every morning for breakfast. Whats going on here? I don't like it.


I hope by the end of the week that I can report that I am down 35 pounds and that will put me under 100 pounds to lose. That is my goal for this week. A total of 35 pounds loss. I have some major booty kicking to do this week. Hope everyone has a great Monday!!!

My disappearing act...

I am really bad at updating this blog. I always try to sit down and devote at least an hour to writing a post, and be able to read and comment on all my other favorite blogs. I however have not had the chance to do that. Between work, working out, and trying to have some sort of a social life I have failed at my blog. I apologize to the 1 person who actually may read it (HA). So much has been going on in my life and the past week and a half and I at first was afraid that all the stress would make me start eating crappy foods again. I am proud to say (well type) that it did not.

I have continued to diet and I have been a little slack on my running. Last week I was only able to run 4 days. My "girlfriend" (I really hate her) was in town visiting and that of course made me feel really crappy on top of all the other stressors I had going on. So 4 days was all I could do. My diet is going perfect though. I have actually lost 28 pounds. I honestly can't believe it. I feel like I can't see any changes in my body at all. I still feel like I look the same as I did when I started it. No one has really been able to tell any changes, or if they have they haven't said anything. I am ready to get to that point to where you can look and see that I have really slimmed down.

I am hoping that this week I will be able to get back to running. I skipped Monday because I was at work so late and made up for it yesterday by doing 2 miles instead of 1. I am still determined and I will lose this weight. I have been losing weight ahead of schedule so now my new target date to lose 103 more pounds is June 30th. Oh that would be nice to be able to get into a bathing suit this summer. Gotta keep on working hard. I know I can do this!!

Friendship...

This is totally straying off topic of my weight loss but its just something I feel like I need to blog about. I am the type of person when I make a friend, I really want it to be a lifer friendship. Hence why I only have about 2 real friendships (lifer friendships). I have a few people who I am friends with but not nearly as close as I am with my two lifers.

My first lifer is really and truly a lifer. We have been friends for about 17 years now. She really is the best friend I could ever ask for. She is always there when I need her and she would do anything and everything that she could do to help me out. She has a daughter whom I love like she was my own.When it comes to my weight and me trying to lose weight though I do not discuss it with her. Its weird to have a friend for 17 years and you don't tell her that your on a diet right? Well let me tell you about lifer number two, and maybe it will shed some light as to why I am keeping my diet such a secret.

Lifer number two and I have been friends for about a year and a half now. We are so much a like it is kind of scary. We are both overweight, we have the same goofy personality and so many other things.. (the list could go on forever). It was honestly no surprise that we hit it off so well when we first met.  For the past few months things have kind of just went to the crapper. I feel like it is a one sided friendship where I am giving 100% and she is giving none. I am there for her and I support her in every way possible, but when it comes to me and my goals and needing encouragement she only puts me down. When I told her about me starting my diet she laughed at me and said, "yeah right, I give it a week." Understandable, after all this is only my 5th diet that I started in the past 6 months. Now that I am starting to lose weight and you can see the weight I have been losing she has been telling me that, "our friendship will be over when you get skinny." She says she will not be friends with me if I become skinny. At first I honestly thought she was joking. I laughed about it and shrugged it off. For the past week now I can tell she is not kidding.

The past week and up till today our friendship has suffered. I have begged her to go on a diet with me and I will help her lose the weight that I have. She refuses to diet with me. Says that she will not diet with me because I am way ahead of her. I failed to mention that we also work together. Yesterday when she came into work she was really rude to me, snapping at me, and just everything I said she had a smart a comment back for it. I finally told her that I don't know what she has going on but I refuse to let her take it out on me. She says she is just depressed because she is so overweight. I understood and I left to go shopping with my sister. When I came back to to work later that night to hang out with her she acted cold with me again. Then when some of our regular guest came in (who are guys) and started hanging out with us she was so nice to them and was laughing and joking with them like NOTHING was wrong with her. I don't understand how she can be okay with them but not me? Especially since I have done NOTHING to her.

I don't understand. If she is so overweight and so depressed about it why wont she diet with me? Regardless if I have already lost 21 pounds I would think it would give her more motivation to work harder to lose weight. I also failed to mention that when I first started this diet, everyday that I went to go run or walk, I would text her and basically beg her to go with me but she refused or always had an excuse. Should I feel bad? Should I just stop talking to her about my weight loss? It really bums me out because she is the one person who I thought would be excited for me because she knows how bad I have wanted this and never have been able to follow through with it. I want to be able to talk to her about my weight loss, but on the other hand I don't want our friendship to suffer because of it. Then on the other hand I ask myself what kind of friend is she if she can't even support me with something that I have wanted so bad for so long? Is that really the type of person I need in my life right now? I feel like at some point its going to break my down and I am going to get frustrated and never speak to her again.

I am so torn and I don't know what to do. I can't talk to her about it because when I do she gets all defensive and gets mad. What should I do? Should I just ignore it and not talk to her about my weight loss anymore? Or should I keep pushing her and talking about it until she finally gets tired of hearing it and decides to make a change herself? I need help. This is really killing me.

Bad Blogger and 33 days!!

I think I may be one of the worst bloggers ever. I had my first weekend off in what seems like forever. I am a manager at a hotel and normally even when I have a weekend off I am not really off because something is always happening causing me to be at the hotel. This weekend however I received no phone calls and didn't have to be at the hotel at all. So peaceful. While being off I got to spend some much needed time with my dad and I also got to spend some time with my grandma, I didn't think about my blog all weekend. I think that makes me a pretty bad blogger.

Saturday morning I woke up and went straight for the scale. Something amazing happen. The numbers showed that I have lost 20 pounds. Let me tell you I stepped on that thing about 20 times just to make sure it wasn't lying to me. It wasn't lying to me. I was so excited, I got dressed right at that moment and went for a mile and a half long run (well the whole mile and a half wasn't a run, not yet at least). Hitting the 20 pound mark has made me even more inspired than I was before. I finally feel like I am able to do this and its not an impossible goal. I am finally starting to see a change in my body and the way my clothes fit me. My work shirts are getting a little bigger and don't cling to my stomach as bad. I am overjoyed.

The only thing that is really bugging me is my butt is getting so flat. I mean really it looks like a pancake. I have never really had that great of a butt. You would think for a fat girl I would have a butt, well you would think wrong. I have hips but there is really not much of a butt there. Well now that I have starting losing weight my little butt is turning into a non-existing butt. I am hoping that as I start to lose more weight and tone up more that somehow I can pump some air into my flat butt.

As of this morning I have lost about 20.2 pounds. I can't wait to lose 10 more because at that point I will only be 100 pounds away from my goal.

30 days and 16 pounds down...

I always thought that If I ever was going to run, then it sure as heck would be in the winter as opposed to the summer, boy, was I wrong. It is really hard to get motivated to run in such cold weather. Don't get me wrong I still get my big behind outside in that 30 degree weather and I run my cold bones to death, but my oh my is its hard. My poor bones ache so much as I start to run, and I am pretty sure I am starting to get shin splints. I am pretty sure of this because the road I run on is pretty rocky and it makes it difficult to run, plus all this weight they have to support when I am running surely doesn't help any either. None the less I do it and I embrace the pain as I am only getting stronger and in the process dropping all this not so needed weight.

I have been wanting to start taking some vitamins. I know I need to take them, and they might even help me some, but my problem is I don't know which ones to get. I have been researching and every website tells me something different. So, what is the best vitamin to take? I have heard the Flintstones vitamin for kids are the best one to take because they provide you with everything that you need.

Today marks day 30 for me on this diet. I weighed myself in this morning and in 30 days I have lost 16 pounds. Even though I haven't really seen the changes in my body that I was hoping for I have seen changes in the scale, and for right now that is okay with me. I know as long as the scale keeps dropping then eventually the changes in my body will come along with that. I am determined this time to not stop my diet until I have gotten this weight off.

Still going strong..

After my last post I was really frustrated and felt like it was all for nothing, and this was impossible. Well I went for a run, got my mind back on track, and I am proud to say I am still going strong with my diet. I am now down to a total of 14.8 pounds lost in 27 days. I feel pretty good about this. I guess I really hoped for more results but I know I just have to work harder to get more results. I can't see a change in my body yet and I think for me that is what is most disappointing.

I use this app on my iPhone to keep track of my weight and how much I have lost. Right now my projected date of reaching my goal is on August 8, 2012. Which means that during the summer I will actually be skinny enough to be able to wear shorts and dresses this summer so I wont have to sweat to death in jeans! This makes me push myself even harder.

I am trying to work up enough courage to post a before picture of myself on here so that it can kind of serve as I have to lose weight cause now everyone knows what I look like kind of deal. As you can see the before picture has not happened yet. I have taken some and they are on my phone but I haven't worked up enough courage yet to actually post them on here. At some point maybe I will do that, maybe within the week. 

I hope everyone had a very blessed holiday. I can't wait to make the year 2012 my year of becoming fit!