This is totally straying off topic of my weight loss but its just something I feel like I need to blog about. I am the type of person when I make a friend, I really want it to be a lifer friendship. Hence why I only have about 2 real friendships (lifer friendships). I have a few people who I am friends with but not nearly as close as I am with my two lifers.
My first lifer is really and truly a lifer. We have been friends for about 17 years now. She really is the best friend I could ever ask for. She is always there when I need her and she would do anything and everything that she could do to help me out. She has a daughter whom I love like she was my own.When it comes to my weight and me trying to lose weight though I do not discuss it with her. Its weird to have a friend for 17 years and you don't tell her that your on a diet right? Well let me tell you about lifer number two, and maybe it will shed some light as to why I am keeping my diet such a secret.
Lifer number two and I have been friends for about a year and a half now. We are so much a like it is kind of scary. We are both overweight, we have the same goofy personality and so many other things.. (the list could go on forever). It was honestly no surprise that we hit it off so well when we first met. For the past few months things have kind of just went to the crapper. I feel like it is a one sided friendship where I am giving 100% and she is giving none. I am there for her and I support her in every way possible, but when it comes to me and my goals and needing encouragement she only puts me down. When I told her about me starting my diet she laughed at me and said, "yeah right, I give it a week." Understandable, after all this is only my 5th diet that I started in the past 6 months. Now that I am starting to lose weight and you can see the weight I have been losing she has been telling me that, "our friendship will be over when you get skinny." She says she will not be friends with me if I become skinny. At first I honestly thought she was joking. I laughed about it and shrugged it off. For the past week now I can tell she is not kidding.
The past week and up till today our friendship has suffered. I have begged her to go on a diet with me and I will help her lose the weight that I have. She refuses to diet with me. Says that she will not diet with me because I am way ahead of her. I failed to mention that we also work together. Yesterday when she came into work she was really rude to me, snapping at me, and just everything I said she had a smart a comment back for it. I finally told her that I don't know what she has going on but I refuse to let her take it out on me. She says she is just depressed because she is so overweight. I understood and I left to go shopping with my sister. When I came back to to work later that night to hang out with her she acted cold with me again. Then when some of our regular guest came in (who are guys) and started hanging out with us she was so nice to them and was laughing and joking with them like NOTHING was wrong with her. I don't understand how she can be okay with them but not me? Especially since I have done NOTHING to her.
I don't understand. If she is so overweight and so depressed about it why wont she diet with me? Regardless if I have already lost 21 pounds I would think it would give her more motivation to work harder to lose weight. I also failed to mention that when I first started this diet, everyday that I went to go run or walk, I would text her and basically beg her to go with me but she refused or always had an excuse. Should I feel bad? Should I just stop talking to her about my weight loss? It really bums me out because she is the one person who I thought would be excited for me because she knows how bad I have wanted this and never have been able to follow through with it. I want to be able to talk to her about my weight loss, but on the other hand I don't want our friendship to suffer because of it. Then on the other hand I ask myself what kind of friend is she if she can't even support me with something that I have wanted so bad for so long? Is that really the type of person I need in my life right now? I feel like at some point its going to break my down and I am going to get frustrated and never speak to her again.
I am so torn and I don't know what to do. I can't talk to her about it because when I do she gets all defensive and gets mad. What should I do? Should I just ignore it and not talk to her about my weight loss anymore? Or should I keep pushing her and talking about it until she finally gets tired of hearing it and decides to make a change herself? I need help. This is really killing me.
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O.M.G.
ReplyDeleteTo be quite honest, if she was really your friend, she'd be doing it with you. If my best pal was going on a diet and she begged me to do it with her, it'd be MORE fun to do it with a friend rather than by myself. Hell, I am doing my weight loss goals by myself and I wish I had someone who has the intensity to change in my actual life to talk to.
And for her to just toss away a perfectly good friendship really bugs me. I would kill to have an awesome pal to chat with about my weight loss goals who wants to do it with me, and to see people who get like this really bugs me. I give 125% to my friends and it also upsets me when my friends do not give me the same that I give them.
But have you also considered that perhaps there is a deep, deep issue with this person that makes her hate your goal? Like she was in an abusive relationship and was called fat etc? That could also be it.
It's kind of sad, but I don't see the friendship lasting much longer unless one of you gives. Since you're dedicated to weightloss, and she's dedicated to her feelings, I think this might end up in a bad way unless you both agree to end the friendship before it blows up or if you agree to talk about it and make a compromise that will still allow you both to remain friends.
I just posted a small novel, but those are my two cents. Sorry that you're going through this.
Thats how I felt, that is she really was my friend and honestly wanted to lose weight and was so depressed about being so overweight then she would do it with me. I thought maybe there was some deep rooted issues with it as well but I just don't think she knows how to be a friend. I am the first real friend that she has ever had. I am her longest friendship so therefore I am just not sure she knows how to truly be a friend.
ReplyDeleteI don't wanna just give up on it just like that. Not too long ago she asked me to be the godmother to her daughter so therefore I don't want this to come inbetween our friendship.
I want things to just be okay but I just don't know what to do to get them there.
And if you ever need someone to talk about your weight loss you can always talk to me! It sounds like we could both use someone!! :) Thanks for the feedback!!
I just might take you up on that Ashley. I have an e-mail address on my blog in the about me section that I think you should copy and paste. No rush though! And only if you want to. :-) People help me to remain motivated. I know that sounds weird, but it's true!
ReplyDeleteI don't understand why she won't diet with you either. But you shouldn't feel bad at all Ashley because you've reached out to her time and time again, you're a great friend. I also don't undertsand why she made the statement about not being friends with you when you become skinny. Friendship shouldn't be defined by weight...
ReplyDeleteMaybe jealousy could factor into what's going on... But then again it could be something deeper, like what B said for example. I'm not too sure...
Although, you should be able to talk about anything with her, maybe you shouldn't talk about weightloss to her for a while to see how things pan out between you and her. But again, you shouldn't have to keep your weightloss all to yourself as in you should be able to talk about it openly without worrying what others will feel or think.
The weight that you've lost already is really inspiring! I'll be on a little journey myself soon, after the new baby gets here (March D)!
Best wishes
xo -S
Wow, that's so unfortunate. I think probably her main issues here are jealousy and insecurities. Maybe she's afraid she won't be able to lose weight as fast as you and once you're skinny she'll be the "fat friend." (I know I've been the fat friend many a time) Maybe she hasn't gotten to that place yet where she's fed up and found the motivation to do something, and seeing you make progress makes her angry with herself but she projects it onto you because it's easier than dealing with herself.
ReplyDeleteWho knows? Just know you have several blogging buds (from what I've seen on the comments) - including me - who would be more than happy to email/text/chat with you about goals, problems, struggles, success, etc.
Hopefully your friend can figure out what HER problem is and fix it before she loses a good friend. Remember, it's her problem, not yours.
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