picking myself up off the bathroom floor....

I feel like I have hit rock bottom and not sure how to pick myself up. The saying when it rains it pours is really the truth in my situation right now. Know that feeling when your heart is breaking and you can actually feel it hurt?? That's exactly what happened to me. In my 25 years of living, I have never felt a heartbreak or a pain anywhere close to what I am feeling now. I pray I never have to feel it again.

Remember a few post ago when I blogged about my best friend and her nonsupporting ways? Well lets just say our friendship came to crashing end. But first let me tell you about "the boy", so the story of my ending friendship can make sense. As I have written in another post somewhere I am a manager at a hotel. I love my job. I get to meet so many people from all different walks of life, and I am very much a people person. I've been told numerous times I could talk to a wall if it would talk back to me. Well we had a group of guys who where in my area doing some work. They had been staying with us since August and they stayed 20 days out of the month and were only home 10. You kind of can't help but to get to know someone when they are practically living where you work.

Know that feeling when you meet someone you just can't help but to be attracted to them? Something and everything about them just makes you want to know them? That's how I felt about "the boy". Seriously one look at him and I knew that I had to get to know him. I am the biggest chicken in the world though. I will admire you from a far and never ever let on that I find you attractive in anyway. Other than the fact that when you do finally talk to me I become very awkward. Finally after a couple months of him being here we finally struck up a friendship and talked/hung out everyday that he was here. Literally we texted from the time he woke up to the time I fell asleep, and when he would be done with work for the day I would come back to work just to hang out with him. It was a beautiful friendship. We agreed to keep things casual, after all he wasn't going to be here forever (a year and half) but not forever. I was okay with that. I was totally okay with hanging out and getting to see him when he was here, I didn't want anything serious anyway.

Things with "the boy" started to get a little maybe out of hand? I guess you could say. We started to go out on dates and at that point I think things were maybe getting a little too serious. We started to fight like a couple and he would get jealous if he thought I was talking to other guys. I felt like I was in a relationship. This past Thursday one of my really good friends has been having problems with her fiance, so we decided we just needed a girls night. We went out for a really nice dinner and then went to the local bar where she worked. It was the bosses birthday so we figured it would be a good time. A good time indeed it was. We got there about 8 and were pretty drunk by 9. At this point I am already catching all kinds of crap from "the boy" because I didn't make enough time for him the day before. Well things started to get heated via text. He began to get very mad at me telling me to go home with one of the guys from the bar and all other sorts of ugly. I am mind boggled and have NO idea where any of this is coming from. He keeps accusing me of lying to him and all other things. I am texting my friend who works at the hotel with me and who I wrote about in the previous post about friendship. I am telling her everything that is going on. She knows I am upset and she is trying to talk me through it.

Fast forward 4 hours later and I am finally leaving the bar. I call my friend upset and she tells me this long story about what "the boy" was doing and saying. Well when I drink I grow a massive pair of balls. I decide to call him to find out why is going on and why he is flipping out on me when all of this is supposed to be "casual". After a hour long conversation we finally realized that the girl who is supposed to be my "sister" best friend has been feeding him numerous amounts of lies about me, causing him to get mad and flip out on me for no reason at all. He ended up forwarding me text messages that she had sent him and trust me they are ugly. Things that you would expect to hear from someone who really hates you, not someone who is supposed to be like a sister to you. I was extremely hurt.

I never talk to her after the conversation I have with him. I go to bed and wake up the next morning to come to work. I receive a phone call her from her to find out if I am okay and wonder how I am feeling. I go on to lie to her to tell her that me and "the boy" had a huge fight last night and we are no longer speaking to each other. I proceed to tell her I have no idea what happened the night before or why he was so mad at me. She agrees says he was acting stupid and I was better off without him, that I needed to just let it go. I lie tell her I have to go and don't speak to her again. "The boy" later texted her and confronted her about it. Asked her why she did it, why she wanted to hurt me and him so bad. No explanation was given. I still don't have a reason why she did it. We are no longer speaking and I at this moment in time could care less if I ever speak to her again.

Fast forward a few hours later on that Friday. "The boy" gets a call from his office and he is fired for some stupid decision he has made. The way I was able to say goodbye to him was in a text message. After receiving that text message I felt like my whole world had crashed down. I honestly did not realize how much I cared for him and how many feelings I honestly did have. I am left dealing with all of this and I haven't found a way to deal. I spent the weekend in bed. I didn't eat all I did was sleep and cry. Never have I had such strong feelings for someone. I felt so comfortable with him. Things just came so natural and so easy and in a matter of seconds its all gone. There is still a chance he might get his job back and is able to come back. I am holding on to the little hope I have been given. I received a text message yesterday where he promised he was coming back to me. I can only hope that is true.

On my weight loss, I haven't really lost anything. I haven't gained either but I stopped focusing on my weight loss when all of this happened. I worked out again for the first time last night. I haven't given up and I still am determined to reach my goal. I hit a little speed bump and had to work my way through it but I am not giving up.

I really need prayers that things are going to work out the way they are meant too. If he isn't meant to come back to me then I need prayers that I will find the strength to get through this. I really need the sun to come out tomorrow. I am tired of feeling bad.....